You are not alone! Finding gifted community

In last week's Hoagies' Gifted Blog Hop: Gifted Friendships I shared the research on the importance of gifted friendships in Gifted Friendships: You Are Not Alone!. This week, I'll help you find community!

One of the earliest things gifted parents discover is the sense that they are alone. If you're not in a gifted community, you learn quickly that while other parents can share and brag about their kids developmental, sports, and even academic accomplishments, gifted parents may NOT. For other parents, it's just normal, everyday parent conversation, but for us... so many parents think we're bragging, or worse, just making it up. We learn early that everyone can share about their kids... except us.

We are alone.

If parents lucky enough to land in a gifted community early and often, we may be lucky enough to have a place to share about our gifted kids, too. But even there, there are things we can't talk about. Have a kid who's not as perfect as the rest of the kids in the very gifted community? Better not talk about it, or we may be "blamed" for somehow causing their uniqueness. Or worse, we fear we'll be drummed out of the community, the one place where we feel comfortable sharing all the great things our child is doing.

We are alone, even in our own crowd.

The most important thing that gifted parents need to know, and be reminded of early and often, is that you are not alone! Got a gifted kid? There are many of us out here just like you! Live in a rural area, where it seems none of us are nearby? We might not live next door, but we are in equally rural (or urban, or suburban) communities, feeling similar isolation. Have an exceptionally or profoundly gifted child who is still far different from the "pleasantly" gifted child, a child for whom the normal gifted program is like giving individuals blades of grass to a hungry dinosaur... it's good, but not enough for the dinosaur to know you're feeding it. You are still not alone, even if you feel alone in the local gifted parents group. Or you have a wildly diverse gifted child, who is extraordinary good at some things, but extraordinarily weak at others? You, most of all, are not alone. Even if there is no other child exactly like yours (and there likely is someone, somewhere), there are many other parents struggling with Twice Exceptional (2e, dually identified) kids like yours.

Gifted community is the lifeline for all of us. It's the place we can talk about parenting these wonderful kids. We can share the struggles of education, or the resources of homeschooling. We can commiserate on the lack of programs at early ages, and create our own programs with our critical mass and our unswerving need. We can find a place to brag and to beg, to share the past and consider the future. But how can we find these amazing, amusing, accepting gifted communities?

There are public and private, open and closed communities. We share on Facebook and mailing lists, blogs and boards, behind firewalls and in real life. We meet at formal conferences and casual gatherings across the country and around the world. No matter who or where you are, you are not alone!

Electronic communities are a great way to get started. For open communities with tons of participants, sure to be folks who live near you, start with the major mailing list communities. TAGFAM and GT-Families offer mailing lists for general gifted topics for families and teachers, on lists of the same names. If you're homeschooling your gifted kids, TAGMAX is the list for you, with nearly a thousand other subscribers who share resources and ideas for homeschooling, unschooling, deschooling and more. GT-Special is the list for parents of those tricky-to-parent, challenging-to-educate twice exceptional (or 2e) kids. And TAGPDQ is the community for you if you're the parent of a "more than just plain gifted" child, those exceptionally and profoundly gifted kids who often require more extreme educational options.

Visit Hoagies' Gifted Online Communities: Mailing Lists for subscription instructions and links for these plus hundreds of other more specialized mailing lists, organized by population, country, state, and district or locality. There is a mailing list for everyone!

Looking for a casual community you can just "drop into" when you need a little support? Though they are more public, check out any one of the great Facebook communities for gifted: Hoagies' Gifted Education Page, SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted), and Gifted Homeschoolers Forum are three popular Facebook gifted forums. And there are plenty more. Just search for Gifted and your other interests (your town, your school district, homeschool, etc.) on Facebook.

Looking for something less electronic and more real-life? Check out the U.S. and International organizations listed in Hoagies' Gifted: Organizations. Many offer conferences, summer programs, meetings and more!

If you have testing and your kids qualify, one of the best U.S. gifted communities is the Davidson Young Scholars program. It costs nothing to join, and offers a wide slate of support options, including electronic and real-lie gatherings. Even if you use nothing else in the program, be sure to join your local DIG mailing list, and attend some of the DIGs (Davidson Informal Gatherings) to meet and enjoy others in the Davidson gifted community!

Whatever means you choose, be sure to explore the online and real-life gifted communities so that both you and your kids learn that You are NOT alone!
 

Don't miss the rest of last week's Gifted Friendship Blog Hop. With nearly two dozen blogs on gifted kids, teens, young adults and adults, plus a couple blogs on the value of "invisible friends," there's something for everyone!

Gifted Friendships: You Are Not Alone!

Gifted friendships are hard to define, and often even harder to find. Gifted kids in a classroom full of kids who want to play with them and invite them to parties, may feel alone and crave this rare commodity.  Gifted adults may feel alone in spite of lots of acquaintances at work and in other activities. There are lots of people around us every day, yet we feel strange and isolated. What are we missing?

"When gifted children are asked what they most desire, the answer is often 'a friend'.   The children's experience of school is completely colored by the presence or absence of relationships with peers." (Silverman, 1993).

Miraca Gross has researched gifted friendships, not only in children, but over the lives of young and now middle-aged adults through her longitudinal studies.  And I am lucky to count Miraca among my acquaintances, one who I would very much love to get to know better, who could easily become a friend... if only she didn't live on the other side of the world.

"This difficulty of the gifted child in forming friendships is largely a result of the infrequency of persons who are like-minded.  The more intelligent a person is, regardless of age, the less often can he find a truly congenial companion.  The average child finds playmates in plenty who can think and act on a level congenial to him, because there are so many average children."  (Hollingworth, 1936)

But what makes the gifted child less able to find friendship among all the other students in her age/grade classroom?  Is the student somehow biased towards kids identified as gifted?  No. Are the student's parents influencing her to befriend only the gifted kids?  Not at all.  Miraca's research shows...

Gifted children were beginning to look for friends with whom they could develop close and trusting friendships, at ages when their age-peers of average ability were looking for play partners.  (Gross, SENG article)

Gifted kids feel differently, and seek friendships among those who feel similarly!

Gross's and other research shows other factors influence friendships.  Gender plays a role: boys are, at some point, 2 or more years behind girls in their concepts of friendship, which accounts for the elementary years cliquishness of girls not being mimicked in boys until early middle school.  Age plays a role.  Levels of giftedness are also key to finding gifted friendships.

The years between four and nine are probably the most likely to be beset with problems. (Hollingworth, 1936)

The question is, what can we do to help our gifted children find friendships?

Ability grouping and grade advancement can be of invaluable assistance in the early years of school to young gifted children whose accelerated conceptions of firendship are urging htem to see the sure shelter of a relationsihp of trust, fidelity and authenticity, at ages when tehir age-peers are seeking playmates or casual conversation.  In the case of exceptionally and profoundly gifted child, it is difficult to justify, either educationally or socially, the inclusion of these children in classes comprised of age-peers whose conceptions of firendship are so radically different than theirs. (Gross, SENG article)

The most important thing we can do for our kids is to help them find this "community" they seek, and let them know and experience that they are not alone!

For a quick summary of Miraca's research, read SENG's "Play Partner" or "Sure Shelter": What Gifted Children Look For in Friendship. For her full presentation, visit Hoagies' Gifted: "Play Partner" or "Sure Shelter"? Why gifted children prefer older friends..

This blog is part of Hoagies' Gifted Blog Hop: Gifted Friendships.  Visit the other great blogs in this month's Hop by clicking here.

Summer Reading Favorites for Young Readers

Disclosure: This post contains Amazon affiliates links, which link to Hoagies' Page's Amazon affiliates account. Thanks for supporting Hoagies' Gifted Education Page!

Whenever school breaks roll around, our time becomes ours to fill with our favorite pasttimes. And for many of us, our all-time favorite pasttime is Reading! Reading takes us to new worlds and old ones, and fills our moments with adventure. But for many gifted kids, finding new and interesting reading books is a challenge. Hoagies' Gifted Hot Topics Reading Lists are here to save the day!

For young readers, the challenge is to find books that meet both their advanced reading levels and interests, but don't offer an excess of drama or "scary stuff." Harry Potter is a great series, but often not for our 5- and 6-year-olds. Even Harry didn't start at Hogwarts until his 12th birthday. For my eldest, lucky enough to grow up alongside Harry, Hermione and Ron, each new book brought new strengths and challenges, and as the kids aged, new darkness. But each new book came with both Harry and my daughter a year older. It was a perfect arrangement! Today with all 7 books published, kids want to read them all, one after another. And who can blame them for wanting to stay in one world, once they've arrived? Let's give our young readers worlds they can visit and submerse themselves in, that aren't overwhelming.

Hot Topics: Reading List for Early Readers: First Chapter Books offers great young series for our youngest chapter-book readers. From the fun antics of Amelia Bedelia, the literal housekeeper, to the adventures of (the previously lonely) Henry and his canine companion, Mudge, to The Riverside Kids and The Time Warp Trio... there are hundreds of volumes for young readers to discover. Check out these and many other titles.

Our kids tend to consume every book left in their way, and quickly move to higher levels of reading and adventure. Scroll down the Hot Topics: Reading List for Early Readers to the Longer Chapter Books and find even more adventure. How about a magical cupboard that turns toys into living creatures? Kids love the Indian in the Cupboard series! Find more magic in The Secrets of Droon, where Eric, Neal and Julie explore the Rainbow Stairs and the magical creatures they find there. Looking for a little more reality in their reading? Join The Five Little Peppers and their real-life adventures, or Einstein Anderson as he solves all the mysteries he can find. Finding Einstein Anderson titles at your bookstore may be a mystery in itself, but fear not, your local library will likely have the collection. If not, it's time to learn about your public library's inter-library loan!

Some kids prefer the colorful worlds of graphic novels. Hot Topics! Reading List of Graphic Novels / Cartoons / Humor has plenty to offer. For our youngest readers, there's always Captain Underpants, but he is only one option in a brave new world. Check out Ricky Ricotta and the giant robot, the Adventures of Tintin featuring the young Alex Rider, or Asterix, before moving on to longer cartoon novel series like Bone, Herobear and The Kid, and Amulet, the adventures of two ordinary kids in a world of man-eating demons, a mechanical rabbit, a talking fox, and a giant robot! Once they move out of the younger chapter books, many of our kids love, love, love Science Fiction and/or Fantasy novels. And I find even as adults, gifted kids love Puzzle Books.

But what if my child is a 100%, no holds barred, no characters allowed, non-fiction reader? No problem! Check out these non-fiction lists:

• Hot Topics: Biographies!
• Hot Topics: History
• Hot Topics: Mathematics and Programming
• Hot Topics: Science & Inventions

Curious kids will find these Horribles! horribly interesting! Hands-on kids of all ages love Klutz books.

Looking for books specifically for your boy or girl? Check out Hot Topics: Girls and Young Women and Hot Topics: Teen Boys. Do you need books, fiction or non-fiction, addressing issues facing gifted kids of all ages, including friendship, perfectionism, being twice exceptional, or other social/emotional issues? Check out Hot Topics: On Being Gifted. Titles for your young adult reader? You'll love Bob Seney's Literature for Gifted Young Adults.

Collected from gifted kids the world 'round, no matter what kind of books your kids prefer, you'll find titles they love on the Hot Topics! Reading Lists.

Use the comments below to submit your kids' favorite titles to the Hot Topics lists!

Go out and play. Go Geocaching!

Growing up in the 60s and 70s, we kids heard that all the time. "Go out and play! Get out of my hair." We spent hours and days exploring the woods behind the house, wandering through the neighborhood "bridle trail," and exploring nearby fields. We climbed trees, and looked out over the neighbor's roof... that was scary! We spent hours hanging out on friends' jungle gyms, riding bikes, and checking out wildflowers up and down the road.

It's not my imagination... kids have much less roaming range these days. Research bears out my recollection: over 4 generations, the range of an 8-year-old has shrunken from 6 miles to 300 yards from the front door. Read How Children Lost the Right to Roam in Four Generations, the source of this frightening picture.

Nature is good for us.
Besides the rights and responsibilities of growing up, what else have our kids lost in this cultural change? Lots. Research tells us that unstructured time in nature has huge benefits for kids. Study after study shows that kids are losing out. As preschoolers, kids are already less active than is recommended, and obesity is more common. By school-age, kids are unable to identify common plants, and are more myopic from the decrease in the amount of long-distance focus that children's eyes used to get outside in nature. Free-play and contact with nature is declining dramatically. Children’s Nature Deficit: What We Know – and Don’t Know details 45 studies on these factors and more.

So what, you ask? Research shows that nature is good for us. Mental health benefits include stress and anxiety reduction, ADHD symptom reduction, and improved focus and cognitive function. Yes, we think and feel better on nature! The physical benefits of free-play in nature are just as impressive: better vascular health, less vitamin D deficiency, lower BMI (body mass index), better physical fitness, less childhood asthma, and less myopia. Healthy Benefits to Children form Contact with the Outdoors & Nature summarizes dozens more studies on these benefits.

But how do I get my kids outside into Nature?
That is the question. Screen time is addictive. Kids are learning loads and enjoying computer games, social networking and more. How do we get them to put down their devices and go outside? It's simple: we don't. Instead, let them use their devices outside!

The answer: Geocaching
Here's a game that's nerdy enough to appeal to gifted kids of all ages. Start on your computer or other device. Look up geocaches near you. Then use a GPSr or your smartphone with an app to track down the caches, using the latitude/longitude (lat/long) and some clues about the size and difficulty of the cache. When you find it, sign the paper log inside, and log your find on your device.

What are these geocaches? Caches can be many things. A cache may be half-mini-marshmallow-size magnetic "nano" attached to a park bench, or an ammo can or large plastic container hidden in the woods, or even bigger. Larger geocaches usually contain "swag," fun little toys for our youngest cachers. Caches may take you to a park you never knew existed, or a historical place that you've been passing by all your life. Caches may take you for a long hike in the woods, or might first have you solve a complex puzzle at home before you can discover the latitude and longitude of your search. They may lead you to events, where other geocachers of all ages get together to have a picnic, or to clean up a park in a CITO (Cache In, Trash Out) event. There are different caches for all different types of cachers!

And where are all these geocaches hiding? Everywhere around you! There are caches in urban, suburban and rural areas of every continent on Earth, plus one on the International Space Station. Caches on terrains rated 1 are handicapped accessible. Terrains 1.5 and 2 are stroller accessible - even the youngest kids can handle these caches. A terrain 3 cache might be a little ways up an easy-to-climb tree or a steep hill. You might want to wait until the kids are a little older before trying to find caches rated higher than 3, but don't rule them out. I've found a terrain 5 geocache - specialized equipment required - by borrowing a paddle boat from a local picnic park to cross the river to the cache. Tons of family fun!

Geocachers love a challenge, and geocaching is full of personal challenges. Can you find a cache with a difficulty/terrain (D/T) rating of 5/5, where 5 terrain means "specialized equipment required?" Can you find caches in every state you travel to, or every county within your state? We cheated on this challenge: the first state we've cached every county is in the nearby state of Delaware... it only has three counties.

Can you find a cache of every possible difficulty and terrain combination? There are 81 different D/T combinations to find, and we're not there yet. Can you geocache for 13 days with different totals found each day? Cache for 90 straight days? Or 366 days? And there are lots of other challenges! For gifted kids (and adults) who love graphs and charts and statistics, geocaching offers tons...

Get Started Geocaching!
With over 2.4 million active geocaches around the world, there are bound to be a few near you. To find your first, you need to sign up on Geocaching.com and set up your free account. Then click on Play, Hide and Seek a Cache, and type in your address. Pick a geocache from the local list (it's best to start with a low difficulty cache that's been found recently), then go out and find it! You'll find caches near home, school, work, and everywhere you travel. Geocaching is a great way to find your way around a new city, or find hidden treasures near your home.

For pointers on getting started, read Hoagies' Gifted | Geocaching 101: Finding Your First Geocache. Some of my favorite geocaches are Puzzle Caches. Puzzle Caches may be site puzzles, where you go to the location and explore, seeking answers to specific questions and using those answers to find the lat/long of the cache. Or they can be more complicated puzzles, from visual puzzles to ciphers to any kind of puzzle that a cache owner can think of... some as complex as ARML math problems, and some as simple as finding the text hidden on the cache page. Read Geocaching 103: Solving Puzzle Caches for lots more on both solving and creating your own Puzzle Caches.

Geocaching encourages out-of-the-box creativity. Who creates all these caches? Geocachers do! Once you've found 40 or 50 caches, and have an idea what you're looking for and what good cache locations might be near you, consider hiding your own cache. The instructions on Geocaching.com walk you through the steps. Finding caches is fun; creating your own cache container, theme and/or puzzle to make a unique hide of your own is even more interesting! Read Geocaching 104: Creating and Placing Your Own Geocache for more ideas.

Geocaching with a group
Both Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts offer Geocaching badges, with plenty of adventure.

Go out and play. Go out and geocache! The kind of play that gifted kids and adults love!

Photographs taken at Crouching Chief, Hidden Cache geocache in Wissahickon Park, Philadelphia.

Welcome to Lake Woebegon, where 100% of children are in the top 2.5%

100% of children are in the top 2.5% of children. It sounds ridiculous when it's stated mathematically, but you hear it often in its common form: "All children are gifted." No matter how you say it, it is still nonsense.

Nonsense. Not sensible. Not true. And certainly not defensible.

Would it be defensible to ignore a special needs child in school? Yes, you need a ramp because you're in a wheelchair, but really you are just like every other child and you have no special needs. Yes, you need your textbooks on tape because you are dyslexic and cannot read the books yourself, but really you are just like every other child and you have no special needs.

It sounds ridiculous, and there are U.S. federal laws to protect these children from such ignorance. (Section 504 and IDEA). But for the gifted students, those above two standard deviations from the norm, there is no such federal protection.

If they are lucky, gifted kids might live in a state like Pennsylvania, with a mandate to both identify and serve gifted students from K-12 under Chapter 16 of the state education code. Chapter 16 even calls the education of gifted students "Special Education." But it falls short of actually providing special education protections to gifted students. Chapter 16 includes no enforcement, though they've added a feature where 10 districts a year are reviewed to see if they are meeting Chapter 16 guidelines. In just over 50 years, all the districts in Pennsylvania will be reviewed, and we will learn just how many are not meeting Chapter 16, not offering FAPE (Free Appropriate Public Education) to gifted students. What happens if the schools fail this compliance monitoring? They are issued a "corrective action plan." Punishment for failing Chapter 16 Gifted Education compliance monitoring? In 50 years, they may be monitored again.

Or you might live in a state like New York, with a mandate to identify but not serve gifted students. Massachusetts? Gifted students don't exist there at all, unless they are identified and offered gifted education under local school district policy. But it's not required by state nor federal government, and often doesn't happen. When it does happen, it is often the first head on the chopping block during fiscal crisis. Heads will roll! There are excellent school districts for gifted students in each of these states...if you can afford to live there. Davidson Foundation: U.S. Gifted Education Policies by state

Most people presume that gifted kids "automagically" get what they need in school. All they need is to learn, and everyone gets to learn in school, right?

Not as much as you'd think.

Longitudinal research from Johns Hopkins' Center for Talented Youth shows that among the top achieving students in the country, those who score 700 or above on the math or critical thinking tests of the College Board's SAT before age 13, many go on to do great things, lead companies, win prizes, invent amazing things! But many more do not receive appropriate education in their schools, their families cannot afford appropriate education through private schools and enrichment programs, and these students do not go on to accomplish great things in their lives. Read The poor neglected gifted child.

What does a typical school offer the gifted student? In Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grades, and in some schools even 3rd, 4th, and beyond, most schools offer the gifted students... Nothing. Gifted kids come into each school year knowing most or all of these early years of curriculum, and having literally nothing to learn. These students are held back with their age cohort, to raise the school's test scores and "be leaders" for the other kids.

And we all know, if a child is gifted, she can figure out a way to entertain herself when she is bored in school. It's true! The problem is, the teacher may not find it entertaining when she decides to talk to her neighbors after she finishes her work. Or she reads a book under her desk... And forgets to return her attention to the teacher when the next subject is "introduced." (She already knew it anyway.) Or he decides to make a creative "pea shooter" out of materials he finds in his desk, to shoot tiny paper wads at other kids while he's bored and waiting. And then he gets entrepreneurial, and sells them to other kids in the class. What an excellent example of gifted leadership! But not appreciated.

Gifted students are required to complete worksheet after worksheet, years of them, proving what they already know so that they hopefully "qualify" to participate in what is often just a the fun-and-games gifted enrichment program beginning in 3rd or 4th or 5th or 6th grade. IF they qualify. If they don't offend the teacher and school by creative boredom-fighting activities. Or by correcting the teacher one too many times. Or by begging to learn new things!

Meanwhile, they spend 2-3-4-5+ years learning that everything in school comes easy, that praise is easy to get, and in today's U.S. schools, that everyone gets an award for something, so their giftedness is just another gift, like being the tallest or being the prettiest, or the best public speaker. Everyone's gifted, they're nothing special.

Until they reach a tough subject. It might be middle school creative writing, or 8th grade algebra, AP biology or even advanced college mathematics. At some point the gifted child is going to reach some material he has to work at to learn. And if he's had years of practice in learning difficult material, organizing his work, creating study materials, failing and getting back up again to learn some more, he will fare well. He understands Struggle, Challenge and Meaning. But many gifted students have never had these opportunities. They've drifted through school for years, perhaps even a decade, learning only that learning is a breeze, it's all easy because I'm gifted, my brain makes it easy.

These are the gifted children who panic and quit easily, because they've develop what Carol Dweck calls a "fixed mindset." Because they were not challenged in school from the beginning like the other kids, they have gained a warped view of their own abilities, and of the process of learning. And when the difficult material comes--and it will come--they have no idea how to get the hard work of learning done, because they were never allowed to learn how in those early years, when the rest of the kids learned. Too many years of minimal learning in school takes its toll. And at this age, instead the toll of a bad grade on an elementary-grade assignment or report card and a chance to "do better next time," the toll will be high school course placement, college admissions opportunities, or college scholarships. Lost. Gone, forever.

This is education's gift to the gifted learner.

Because, don't you know, All children are gifted!

Optimum Intelligence: My Experience as a Too Gifted Adult...

by Carolyn K.

This week is Parenting Gifted Children Week, thanks in large part to SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) . One thing I've noticed is that gifted kids tend to grow up to be gifted adults. Yes, I'm talking about you, ducking in the back, blaming your spouse for the kids' giftedness, and you, at your desk, arguing that you were gifted as a child, but now you're a regular adult. While we may grow and learn up to hide our gifts, moderate our speech and vocabulary, hopefully find places to work with folks more like ourselves, and generally "look" normal, we are still what we are: gifted adults. And in parenting my gifted kids, I've learned a lot about adult giftedness, about friendship, and about myself.

The original question asked, "In the book, Guiding the Gifted Child, by Webb, Meckstroth, and Tolan, the authors suggest that there is such a thing as optimum intelligence (OI). They state that this "OI" is between 125 and 145 IQ and that most of our "cultural leaders" probably have IQ's in that range, They are thinking that IQ's above that range probably alienate that person from his peer group / society."

One response assumed, "... by the time a person becomes an adult, he or she understands about different types of giftedness & has learned to make friendships without discrimination. I disagree with the assumption that society rejects extremely gifted individuals. Many gifted adults reject society long before society is ever given a chance to make amends for their childhood!" 

I disagree...

Long before I read "Guiding the Gifted Child" or any other book on gifted, or knew anything about levels of giftedness, or had kids... I worked. I work in a place where most of my co-workers are gifted, if not all. Software and hardware engineering tends to attract people like that. Worse, within a few short years I was asked to join a group that some people teasingly called "the unmanageables." Take your choice: either we didn't need management, or we wouldn't take management. It seemed to me a little of both. 

Meanwhile, I just did my job. I was low man (so to speak :-) on the totem pole. I got some of the less glamorous jobs in the projects. But I did them with the same effort that I applied to everything I did (OK, this often meant messing around while others were getting up to speed, but then finishing ahead and winning awards I didn't think I deserved... Impostor Syndrome is another subject entirely).

In return, some of my peers were good friends. As I had kids and they started into the educational system with problems, some understood. Others listened, but explained that their kids were nowhere near as smart as my kids. Knowing their parents, I wasn't convinced, but perhaps they are right. I still don't know. And still others ... well, I'm not sure how to describe what happened. 

Even in this place where literally everyone is gifted, I became an outcast without trying. The only other two women, both moms of kids around my older child's age, just couldn't imagine what I was dealing with or talking about.  But I didn't realize that, not at first. 

At first they thought I was making it up (thankfully, there was another older woman in the next department, who started handing me articles and materials on raising profoundly gifted (PG) children, back before I even knew what PG was - I still don't know how she knew - but I thanked her often, later, and I am still thankful for Jane in my life and my work). Later people thought I was "pushing" my children. I even had one mom from another department ask how I managed to teach my child math at age 3 - 4. I'm afraid I had a pretty blank look when she asked - I didn't teach my child - she just knew!  And I didn't realize that all children didn't just know!

In short order, it became clear that other moms were allowed to talk about their kids, but my kids were not to be discussed in this place. And no, I'd never had any trouble making friends before. 

At the same time, a few of the men made some snide comments when our group was asked to work with another group on a project. I did my research, and knew my assigned areas going into meetings. We were all supposed to do that. But not everyone did, or ever really knew their subject, or their audience - their customers. And I got comments, to my face, like "you know too much about everything." No man ever told a man that at the conference table, even the very bright ones - they were complimented on their knowledge - but I was called out. I started to shut down and hide what I knew in meetings, on business topics, too.

Worse, I was also a teacher. I was often called on to create classes when there was a need. Sometimes the classes were on topics I didn't already know. But no problem, I'd just learn it and write the class, and then teach it. And co-workers, managers, secretaries, everyone raved about my classes and my teaching. Again, I won awards - these I thought I deserved - well, most of them - I'd usually worked hard to make the class right for the audience.

But this, too, made two things happen: 1) students (co-workers) would call me anytime, interfering with my job, to answer and support them on topics related to my classes. And 2) people felt I knew everything, knew too much. It was not appreciated.

Now perhaps there is something I was doing wrong. I certainly changed what I was doing after these things happened: I stopped talking about my kids at work, entirely. I stopped volunteering information at meetings, to some degree. And I stopped working with some people... what was the point? They just wanted to hear what I knew to pick on me for knowing it. 

I was still called on by people all over the company, from management down, to solve problems. But I no longer interacted with most of the people I worked with in a social fashion. I even avoided the lunchroom and walking trail. I tend to avoid pain, and these places were often the sites of painful conversations, where I could only listen, and my speaking up was outside the boundaries of "normal." I stopped running to the local kids stores with the women at lunch. And I even stopped running to the computer stores with the men at lunch.

Here, in a haven for gifted people.

It was worse in the neighborhood. The neighborhood pediatrician pointed out (at least she was pleasant!) that my kids and I were way above the doctors she trained with, at least most of them. There were a few, she was always envious, and everyone knew who they were... And she was my closest peer in the neighborhood; I had to guard my words with everyone else. Talking about my kids, and their needs, or worse, their accomplishments, was totally off base. 

We're in a new neighborhood now, and things are mostly better. Again, a doctor lives here, and he and his wife "get it." But he has recently joined the practice we use (it is not comfortable having your neighbor as your doctor, I can tell you, but he's the brightest guy I know, and more and more of the neighbors are seeing him as their physician. Why give up the smartest doctor I’ve ever met?  And the other doctors in the practice sometimes talk to me to get information on gifted children, when they run into a child who is being teased to the point of abuse due to their intellectual differences from other children, or other situations. 

The rest of the neighbors accept that our kids are different, but they still accept them... and I'm allowed to talk about them at Ladies Night Out, just like everyone else.  And there's only one neighbor pushing me to tell my daughter's SAT scores, so that she can "prove" my child is smarter than her.  I haven't shared those scores, even though I'd love to brag, "Hey, my child made SET!"  And worse, that neighbor may be one of the smartest people in the neighborhood, another engineer, with a profoundly gifted brother... but that's another story.

Between these years, before I moved to this new neighborhood, I met other people with kids like my kids, initially through the On-Line Support community for gifted families on the Internet. It was with them I could finally talk about my kids and their needs.  It was with them that I finally learned to understand the Impostor Syndrome that I was suffering from as an adult. And it was there that I found my first “best girl friend” since elementary school.

Perhaps my experiences are unique; perhaps not. I don't know my IQ, to know if it falls in that Optimum Intelligence range. But I suspect not. The results Webb, Meckstroth, and Tolan, and others, describe, did in fact happen to me, as an otherwise happy adult.  Without any pre-conceived notions of optimum IQ, or a "chip" on my shoulder.  They just happened, as soon as I had kids.

It is easy to say that I should have learned by now to make "friendships without discrimination." I think I have. But what is a friendship when I cannot reciprocate?  I cannot talk about my kids, while the other person can; I cannot talk about my concerns, my daily struggles, my life, while the other person can. Friendships are based on common interests. My children are a big part of my life, as they are for most parents. If we cannot share that common interest, because my children fall outside of someone else's comfort zone, then... what is there to base a friendship on?

As for leadership, again, people consider my children when considering me. I was declined as a Girl Scout leader by our service unit because of who my child was. No other reason. My husband and I were black-balled right along with our child, without our even knowing or realizing until nearly a year later, when our child was suddenly prohibited from scouting.

Our child is back in scouts now, in a different troop, in another school, where they appreciate her... well, at least they appreciate the money she brings in as high cookie sales person every year, though they never mention it (I learned recently that they do talk about it amongst themselves). And my youngest is in a troop, in yet another school, where the leaders appreciate us both... she is high cookie sales scout and I am cookie mom. But I'm not sure I'm appreciated by the other parents for knowing the way the badges are supposed to be positioned on the vests - didn't anyone else read that? The placement is in the book, and came drawn on the tag. Again, I know too much. I remember too much. I learn too quickly. I make people uncomfortable. And it is hard to hide these things. I try. But it is hard to spend your life hiding...

The people you list as brilliant and respected - Einstein, ... I agree. But how many of them were respected in their lifetimes? I'm not very concerned about how people feel about me after I'm dead. I need to live now. I need friends now. I need people to talk to about my whole life, not just little pieces that I find are safe to discuss. I need to have true friends, just like my kids.  And I've learned, mostly by accident, that it is easier to find those friends among folks with similar IQs.  Even if they don't know their IQ, as I don't know mine.

But whatever my IQ is, it doesn't seem to be an optimum IQ...

"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate to others the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible . . . If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely."  Jung, 1989, p. 356.

"Have no friends not equal to yourself." Confucius

Addendum:

I eventually did find a peer group, where I can talk openly, without guarding my words, where I can share things about my kids, and even brag once in a while, when something terrific happens.  And while I didn't intentionally search it out, I found this phenomenal peer group in an unusual place... on the Internet.

©2012 by Carolyn K.
May not be republished without permission.

Hoagies' Gifted Top Toys of 2011!

What were the top toys of the 2011 holiday shopping season? The press will tell you it's Angry Birds and Disney Princesses. Gifted kids often have different opinions, but this comes as no surprise to you. What toys and games excite our gifted kids this season?

Our countdown this inaugural year includes a wide variety of toys and games, featuring something for every age and play style. Young kids, construction champions, teens, strategists, word gamers and more... there's something for everyone!

Popular for the third straight year, Khet is the laser strategy game for kids and adults. It takes a subtle strategy to line up your pieces while you protect yourself from your opponent!

A perennial favorite for gifted kids of all ages (especially me!), SET makes the list again this year. Fun for all ages, SET is simple to learn: find a set of three cards where all the characteristics of the card are either alike or different. There are 3 shapes, in 3 different colors, with 3 different fills, and either 1, 2 or 3 of the shape on the card. But though it's simple to learn, just wait until your whole family or group is circled around the tableau of cards, all trying to be the first to spot a set of three cards that make up a SET! Great visual/spatial fun for all!

From Blue-Orange games, a new game called Spot-It makes the list for younger kids with rave reviews. Spot-It is comfortable as a 2-player game for a little quiet fun, or up to an 8-player for tons of party fun. And with 5 different variations to play, Spot-It never gets old!

Looking for a game that's tons of fun, and doubles as a 2e teaching tool? Rory's Story Cubes lets your imagination roll wild! Roll the nine dice, each with a different icon on each side, and look at the face up images. Pick an image to start your story. Beginning with "Once upon a time...", make up a story that somehow links all 9 face up images. There are no wrong answers!

Snap Circuits continues to engage gifted kids in construction challenges for young and old alike. Beginners can try Snap Circuits Jr. while older tinkerers will love Snap Circuits Extreme. No matter which version, there are tons of great projects to complete and experiment with!

MindWare provides three of our most popular board games: Q-bitz and Qwirkle. Q-bitz is visual dexterity, cubed. View a picture, and use your cubes to recreate the challenge exactly before your opponents do. Fast fun! And if you run out of challenges, you can get 100 more! Qwirkle is a bit like dominoes but with colors and shapes. It's easy to learn, but hard to master. Imaginets is a creative design toy for the youngest gifted kids. Use your imagination and the Imaginets magnets to create the designs on the 50 challenge cards, or create your own designs.

Looking for a quick card game, where the rules are different every time? You guessed it... Fluxx! Not only are the rules in Fluxx, but the versions are, too! This year's most popular versions include Fluxx 4.0, as well as EcoFluxx for our ecology-minded families, and Star Fluxx for our sci-fi aficionados.

Next on our countdown are Tekton Girder & Panel sets, including the Tower, Plaza & Hydrodynamic sets. Classic construction kits first introduced in the 1950's, these collections of columns, beams and side panels make building simple and educational. Of course the pieces are interchangeable, so each new set expands the last one.

Lego sets are ever-popular gifted-kid construction sets, and this year is no exception. The most popular this year are the Lego Architecture sets, with new designs for 2011. Don't miss the Burj Khalifa Dubai and White House sets among other great Lego Architecture sets!

The next most popular game is also from Out of the Box: 10 Days in... There are 10 Days versions for Africa, Asia, Europe, the Americas and the USA, and they're all popular. 10 Days in... is a strategy game where you start with 10 tiles, and you must create a trip around... the geographic region of the game. Tiles include boats, planes and foot travel, as well as countries from throughout the region (or U.S. states). Follow the travel rules to create a seamless trip, and you win! This game, too, is popular in my house of teens+, as well as with my elementary-school aged nieces.

Thinkfun toys and games are also near the top of the list. Math Dice is a great pocket game for 2 or more, or even solitaire. Use the target dice (n-gons) to multiply to a target number, and the 6-sided dice to get as close to that number as possible. Decimals, fractions, they're all legal if you're the closest to the goal! Swish is a card game. Use your spatial sense to combine cards and remove them from the playing field. Each set of 2-12 cards you combine must match up perfectly so that every ball on one card swishes through a hoop of the same color on another card when the cards are all lined up neatly. It's a tricky little game! PathWords is a puzzle where Word Search meets Tetris. Place your pieces onto the challenge card so that the letters under each piece are a word, read either backwards or forwards. 40 challenges from Beginner to Expert, PathWords is sure to challenge everyone!

Rush Hour is the perennial favorite; slid the pieces around the board to help the car escape the Rush Hour traffic jam. Cars can only move either up and down or side to side, making it more than a little tricky to navigate the traffic. If you've mastered all 40 challenges, check out cards Set 2, Set 3, and Set 4, each with a new car, too! Gordian's Knot is a hands-on puzzle of only 6 pieces. Sounds simple, but you'll need 69 moves to get them apart. The second challenge is to get them back together again!

That's all the ThinkFun puzzles and games we'll mention here, but there are many more great ones. Visit Thinkfun to see them all!

The number two most popular is a card game, 7 Ate 9, from Out of the Box. 7 Ate 9 is simple enough to understand, but tricky to play... you have to think fast! Players add or subtract 1, 2 or 3 to or from the top card on the pile, and place a card from their hand that matches that number. Sounds simple, but if the top number is 2, and the add/subtract number is 3, you're looking for a 5 or a ... -1? No negatives, so you wrap-around to a 9. (Yes, for you math geeks, this is a mod 10 game.) Tons of fun for kids as soon as they can add and subtract single digits, right up through adult. My daughter always beats me!

The top toy for gifted kids this year is... (drum roll please)... Perplexus! Available for a limited time some years back, gifted kids adored Perplexus. Then it disappeared... and it's back! Perplexus is a marble maze encased in a plastic ball that you move, twist and turn to lead the small metal marble along the path, right-side up, upside down, and every which way, from start to finish. This year it's available in three flavors: the original Perplexus (with 100 challenges), Perplexus Epic (with 125 challenges) and Perplexus Rookie (with "only" 75 challenges). Mr. Hoagie is happy that Perplexus is back, because it's one of his favorites and his was broken at a gifted gathering a few years back. Great hands-on toy for young and old!

Hoagies' Page Top 10 articles...

You know Hoagies' Gifted Education Page for it's resources. Any question that you have about gifted, you can be assured that there's a page of answers on Hoagies' Page. Differentiation? Yup. Acceleration? Uh, huh. Underachievement? Definitely. Twice Exceptional? There's a whole section on that! Games and Toys for gifted kids? That's another whole section!

But did you know that Hoagies' Page also has articles, great reading, answers, success stories, research, and more, with authors from "just a parent" to world-renowned gifted professionals. Come visit for a few moments, and read the most popular articles on Hoagies' Page?

11. Advocating for a Grade Skip: A Portfolio of Research by Sandy. Sandy offers a great example of a portfolio showcasing the "whole child" in preparing for those sometimes difficult "grade skip" meetings...

10.5 So, the thing is…
I never wanted to be one of THOSE moms by Barbara Cooper. When I need a laugh, I read "So, the thing is…" by Barb Cooper. Do you feel like you've become one of "those moms?"

10. Why do my child's test scores vary from test to test? by Carolyn K. Intelligence vs. achievement tests, group vs. individual tests, tests from different publishers using different size and make-up of normalization populations... no wonder parents and teachers can't make heads nor tales of all the scores and how they compare!

9. Gifted Readers and Reading Instruction by Dr. David Levande. What should reading instruction for the gifted reader look like?

8. Parent's Unofficial Guide to Gifted IEPs and Gifted IEP Meetings by Todd McIntyre and Wayne Mery. In Pennsylvania and some other states, the gifted mandate requires that gifted children receive an individual Gifted IEP specifying their academic levels and needs. How can parents and teachers make this document worthwhile?

7. Why Should I Have My Child Tested? by Carolyn K. Why should a child be tested? How old should they be at test time? What kind of results are you hoping to get from the testing? Can testing now be difficult? These and other questions answered...

6. The 10 most commonly asked questions about highly gifted children by Kathi Kearney. Answers, too!

5. How Can I Prepare My Child for Testing? by Aimee Yermish. Aimee tells us what we should, and shouldn't, do to prepare our gifted kids for testing and assessment.

4. Assessing Gifted Children by Julia Osborn. This classic article compares simple testing with full gifted assessment... the difference is key.

It's gratifying to report that three most popular articles on Hoagies' Gifted Education Page, and five of the top ten, are all written by... Carolyn K. Me. Feels funny to say that. I think I need to go reread the links on Imposter Syndrome.

3. Testing and Assessment: What Do the Tests Tell Us?. A companion article to "Why Test?" continues the odyssey of testing and assessment and understanding the results.

2. What is Highly Gifted? Exceptionally Gifted? Profoundly Gifted? And What Does It Mean?. With today's tests it's not easy to find a clear demarcation, but differences are clear when you compare levels of gifted children. Labels don't matter, but planning for the gifted child's education must take his or her level of giftedness and resulting needs into account.

1. Reading Levels of Children's Books: How Can You Tell?. The answer is... it depends. There are more measures of reading level for children's books than you have fingers. Often, different measures give different results. Is the reported reading level based on vocabulary and sentence complexity, or on the length of the book, or the emotional maturity of the content? Does it matter? Find out here.

There are lots more articles on Hoagies' Page, Miraca Gross on aspects of acceleration, Kathy Kearney on highly and profoundly gifted, Linda Silverman on 25 years of gifted evaluations, Success Stories by parents and educators, and more. Be sure to stay a while and read!

Tell me, what other articles would you like to see on Hoagies' Page?

Hoagies' Page Top 10...

As you've noticed, I haven't had much to say on Nibbles and Bits. I'm hoping to change that, so I'm starting a new series of posts I'll call the Hoagies' Page Top 10. Top 10 lists are all the rage, and the Gifted community could use a few more, right?

To get myself going, I'm starting with an easy Top 10 list, one that's given me pause to think. With an average of over 4500 unique visitors worldwide daily, what are the Top 10 most visited pages on Hoagies' Gifted Education Page? A few of the pages surprised me... maybe you'll find some new surprises, too!

10. Hoagies' Kids and Teens Links. I'm glad to see this page on the Top 10 list, because it's a page near and dear to my heart. Kids & Teens Links are just that, links to great sites for our gifted kids and teens, organized by topic of interest. From the main Links page, kids can visit any of 23 pages of interesting, safe links, from Art, Theater, Music to Programming, from For the Love of Words to Brain Teasers, Logic & Optical Illusions, from Multiplication (and Other Arithmetic) Links to Engineering, Physics & Mechanics and more. There's even a special page with links for gifted Young Kids!

9. Educators, Counselors, Psychologists, and Administrators of the Gifted. Another heart-felt page, the Educators page was not one of the original pages. When I first started in advocacy, I met a few folks that gave me the impression teachers and parents were on opposite sides of the table, a "them vs. us" mentality. I quickly learned that this is untrue; we are all in the business of raising and educating our gifted kids together. At the same time I learned that teachers, doctors, psychologists and counselors are almost universally not trained in gifted children, and are facing the same steep learning curve we parents face. We're in this together!

Gifted Education, Gifted Programs, Curriculum Resources, Differentiation, Grouping, Gifted in Middle School, Counseling the Gifted, Special Topics, Profressional Books, Educational Theories, Brain Research and Learning Theories, Continuing Gifted Education Programs, Continuing Gifted Education Programs, and Gifted Help Wanted! are all available here.

8. Schools for the Gifted Child. A simple list of schools across the U.S. and world, either designed and implemented explicitly for gifted children, or recommended by gifted parents for their unique programs suited to the gifted child. At the top of the page, you'll also find links and an e-book all about selecting a school for your gifted child.

7. (Free) Online High School Courses. Originally collected immediately after Hurricane Katrina by Kathi Kearney, this page links to free high school, AP or college level courses, available in full right on the internet. Topics range from Calculus to American History, Politics to Chinese, Whether used as full courses, supplemental coursework, or enrichment materials, these courses may be free, but they are priceless resources for the gifted student and teacher.

6. Gifted 101: A Guide for First Time Visitors. This introduction to both giftedness and to Hoagies' Gifted Education Page is a great place to get started, and an easy way to learn about the resources on the 1100+ pages of the site.

5. An Inventory of Tests. An alphabetical list of all the tests and assessments you might encounter as the parent or teacher of a gifted child, with information and links about each measure. Is it a group or individual test? Is it an intelligence measure, an achievement test, or simply a survey about the child's characteristics? Is it explicitly for use with gifted children, or more commonly used for all children or just disabled children? These are all important questions!

4. Parents of Gifted Children. The original page of the site, this is the portal for parents and everyone who wants to learn about gifted children. Characteristics,
Identification, Testing, Highly Gifted, Traditional School, Home Schooling, Programs including Distance Learning, Saturday & Summer Programs, Talent Search, and College Planning, Parenting, Social/Emotional Aspects, Special Needs or Twice Exceptional, Gifted Support including Conferences and Gifted Online Communities, Gifted Books, Gifted Education Resources including Longitudinal Studies, Bibliographies and Journals & Magazines.

Frequently Answered Questions including Acronyms, Analogies, Early Graduation, Enrichment, Gifted Quotes, Grade Skipped and Successful, Never Say Bored!, Plateauing, Professionals and Psychologists recommended for their work with the gifted, Reading Levels, and Why Memorize Math Facts? among others, dozens of Success Stories and lots of things to smile at in A Lighter Note round out the Parents topics.

3. Hoagies' Kids and Teens is the Kids portal into Hoagies' Page. In addition to
Kids and Teens Links, find the Hot Topics Reading Lists, Smart Toys and Games lists, Movies that feature gifted kids in a positive light, Magazines, Nerd Shirts, Software, Contests & Awards, More Reading Lists, and Kids Speak Out, a publication area for the kids themselves.

2. Brain Teaser, Optical Illusions and Logic Links is the most popular of the Kids & Teens Links pages, with an amazing and entertaining collection of puzzles, games, optical illusions and more.

What is the most commonly visited page of Hoagies' Gifted Education Page? You guessed it: Hoagies' Gifted Education Page! Visit Hoagies' Gifted Education Page and see what you've been missing!

Spatial fun with Android apps

Our family amusement with saying "there's an app for that" has finally started to wane... So it must be time to share my findings with you. I've found apps for keeping my shopping lists, collecting all my store loyalty cards and even an to make my phone act like a magnifying glass. I've found apps to turn the Droid into a Kindle and a Bible. But some of my favorite apps are the free (and a few nearly free) games.

Any Droid game app list must begin with my favorite card game for gifted kids of any age: SET. (search the Market for Set Enterprises to get the real game). SET is the ultimate visual matching game. Match (or don't match) the shape, color, number and fill of the icons on each card to create sets of three cards where each of those characteristic is either the same or different on all three cards. But don't hand your phone to your gifted child... You may never get it back! Even with the SET app on my Droid, we still love to play the real SET card game at home.

How about a game of mirrors? Chromatron is the game of laser and mirror puzzles. Can you place and rotate the mirrors, combine the lasers, mirrors and filters to combine and separate colors, and reach all the targets in each tableau? Puzzles teach new skills along the way, like combining and splitting beams to create new colors. And then the puzzles really get Tricky!

Vexed Pro is a free chain reaction gravity puzzle. The puzzle is to get rid of all the cubes by sliding or dropping 2, 3 or 4 cubes into adjacent positions; touching matched cubes makes them disappear. Make each puzzle a little harder by making par, solving  the puzzle in the least number of moves possible. There are thousands of puzzles, from Beginner to Impossible and every level in between! Vexed Pro will keep you entertained for a very long time!

Rush Hour is a well known diversion for gifted kids (and their parents) from Thinkfun. In Rush Hour, puzzles get progressively harder as you try to free the red car from the traffic logjam. Cars can only move forwards and backwards, and may start the puzzle facing north-south or east-west, complicating the gridlock. The free version offers dozens of challenges, and the paid version, hundreds more. Rush Hour is must have for any Droid.

Space Physics is a Rube Goldberg puzzle combined with gravity. Can you move the ball to the goal wheel by adding shapes and forces to move it along? Draw quickly, or the ball will fall off the screen! But fear not, you can always start over. Again, the free version offers many challenges, but in case you run out, there's a paid version with tons more fun!

My latest find is Bubble Blast II. Another free app, Bubble Blast II challenges you to clear all the bubbles on the board with the least number of "touches." A touch turns the bubble touched to the next larger size and color, and if  the bubble turns red, it sends off chain reaction  bubble touches in all four directions. The puzzles start very simply, and get successively tougher. You can retry each puzzle as often as you like, but you will have to solve it to move on to the next harder puzzle.

Bubble Blast II even offers clues, but you can only receive one clue every 24 hours, and I suspect it will lower your overall score... I didn't try it to find out. There's also an arcade mode where time is of the essence. I'm more of a puzzle person myself.

Looking for a game that combines words and spatial strategy? Try Words with Friends! A favorite iPhone app now available on the Android too, Words with Friends lets you play that famous Hasbro word game with your friends on either phone platform, in your own time. Have a few minutes to wait at the doctor's office? Play your turn. Your friend (or a random stranger, if you choose) takes their turn when they have a chance. It's a fast way to turn a minute of lost time into a thought-provoking social activity!

That's all for today... I'm sure these games will give every Android user more than a few hours of lost, or saved, time. Next column, great word games for the Android.

And if anyone would like to offer Hoagies' Page an iPad or iPod Touch, we will offer similar columns for iApps! ;-)